tbh (E)

Tbh,

Definition 1 [expression]: to be honest — as in tbh, i wish i can be pretty like that.

Definition 2 [noun]: a social media trend where if someone asks you for a tbh, you reply telling them how you honestly feel about them — as in comment below for a tbh from me

Definition 3 [noun]: the complex, and at times, confusing, relationship that a poor student on full financial aid has with their university

Tbh, I wish I could say that I was excited to see you

you, your dog, your other less fluffy dog, and 

your parents who were a little too nice to me

I wish I could pretend that all of last year

Hadn’t felt like listening to drivers license s l o w e d + r e v e r b

Always asking myself why I wasn’t not good enough

While trying to fall asleep on lamp-lit desks

I’m allowed to be proud of myself, right?

Tbh, you’re hot.

you come packaged, wrapped, decorated in ribbons

and blue-white balloons and orange autumn sweaters and sunglasses

and goodhearted people who hold the door for me

You tell me that I belong here

and for just a moment, I want to believe you,

I really really do, more than anything else,

so I tell myself that I need to be grateful and I am grateful — grateful and silent, your majesty

I subscribe to the new yorker and then

immediately cancel just so I can walk around town

like every one of your exes do

I fill my g-cal with more dinners

than time

just so your friends like me

I do this, do that, try out for this,

I invert my inner introvert, fold your laundry

I skip classes, go to work instead

because you keep the coffee dates coming,

promising to keep the lonely away

I let you screw me and then screw me over,

so I can call myself enough for you

while you go around telling everyone

that you date poor boys, too.

you care for the poor boys, too,

It’s trendy to love the poor boys, too

Just like you love me too, right?

But poverty is in my bones,

it follows me around even as I

sunbathe in seas of green and wear your Patagonia hoodies

and look up at your gothic towers on streets far away from home

Poverty follows me in calls saying that rent is overdue this month,

my grandma’s funeral needs to be paid off, my mom just got laid off

And I can't come home for spring break, we can't afford

another mouth to feed.

Where were you during spring break?

Where were your friends ever?

I can’t study and I can’t eat and I can’t sleep

Tbh, we’re different, you and me

Our stories are not the same

Maybe this is my fault

Maybe I’m too weak

Maybe I need to improve

Maybe I say sorry a little way too much

Maybe I’m a little deformed,

Because the more you promise to keep me company,

the lonelier it gets, you see

So let’s make a deal

Let’s be friends this time.

Just friends.

anything more or less will

Hurt me.

I know you well enough to know

that you won’t do that on purpose.

Tbh, we’re in college now

tbhs aren’t a thing anymore,

The whole hopping on the bandwagon,

The whole “comment below and I'll tell you how I really feel about you”

Isn’t a thing anymore

but today, I just wanted to let you know that if tbhs were still a thing

and if I happened to see one of your comments underneath my post

I would tell you that I’m in love with my future,

even if I’m not excited to see you at all.

see you soon,

sophomore year

today I'm choosing me 

and I'm going to race you to the top of

the Harkness Tower*

*a masonry tower on the Yale campus that currently does not permit walk-in entry, even to students; known for its bells